TheSlackers

So hurricane Ike is making it's way to our fine city.  It's time to batten down the hatches and tie down anything that ain't already nailed down.  I'm gonna ride it out in my home.  (I'm more inland away from the coastal storm surge.)  I do expect heavy winds and I can probably bank on power loss.  You could fart and we'd lose power. 

They havn't made any official announcements yet on the Texans vs. Ravens game but they are supposed to have a decision by noon central time.  If I hear anything about the game being postponed I'll let you know.

Good luck to my fellow Houstonians and Galveston residents!  They have issued a mandatory evacuation for all of Galveston county.  I hope you all heed the warning and get to higher ground.

Be safe, be smart, and stay high and dry!  I'll check in later but I may be off for a few days depending on where Ike decides to make landfall.

Cheers!

Slack

The Houston Texans took on the Pittsburg Steelers at Heinz field Sunday in game one of the 2008 regular season.  It's a good day for football!  Expectations are high, everyone is healthy.  Lets do this thing!!  The Texans started off good moving the ball from their own 21 to the Steelers 48.  It then came down to a fourth and one call.  Instead of punting they decide to go for it.  I liked the ballsy call by Gary Kubiak.  It showed guts, confidence in our offense, and a willingness to take risks.  Matt Schaub totes the rock on a sneak and gets the first…..or so we thought.

The referee signaled a first down for the Texans. HELL YEAH!! 
Then the line judge runs in to spot the ball and they have to call for a measurement.  Texans come up short. WHAT?! 

While head coach Gary Kubiak argues with the ref and challenges the call, I’m looking around for Ashton Kutcher and the MTV film crew.  Alas, there was no Ashton, just the Texans getting punk’d on national television by the refs.  Right then I felt a huge bubble burst.  It was my optimism for this game.  That one play was a momentum killer and the rest of the game was an all downhill embarrassment from there.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming the refs for our loss.  We sucked, we executed poorly, and we got all around out-matched by the more prepared team.  I haven’t seen play this poor since the disappointing 2005 season when it was supposed be a turn around year. 

Matt Schaub ate turf like David Carr, getting up close and personal with Heinz field 5 times.  He threw at least two picks that were all on him and ill-advised at best. Troy Polamalu and Lamar Woodley send their thanks.

Don’t let the final score fool you…it was at least 35-3 when Mike Tomlin called in the scrubs to finish off what was left of the Texans.

Linebacker James Harrison had three sacks on Schaub reminding us that our left tackle, Duane Brown, is indeed a rookie who is still in need of a lot of work.  On one play Harrison beat Brown on the outside, got the sack, and forced a fumble.  At least Brown was somewhat in a position to redeem himself and recover the fumble….oh wait….no..it got away from him…Steelers’ ball.

The Texans offense was stagnant totaling 75 yards on the ground.  Steve Slaton led the team with 43 of those yards.  Schaub finished 25 of 33 for 202 yards and two scores.  Most of that production came in the fourth quarter when the Steelers starters where on the sidelines deciding what club the post game celebration was going to be at.

You’d be hard pressed to find any positives in the total stomping that was this game. We couldn’t even get a decent return on special teams.  They covered us like a blanket. 

Gary Kubiak said it best when he said “We got manhandled.” 

N.D. Kalu said “We were totally dominated.  I just can’t figure out how we could be that bad.”

Somebody had better figure it out because the defense was horrid. Willie Parker ran free for 138 yards and three scores.  Big Ben Roethlisberger lit up our secondary for a couple scores, 137 yards and only missing one completion.  He completed 13 of 14 and was near perfection, and almost surgical.  

Texans DE Mario Williams was able to make a little noise notching two sacks and a forced fumble under his 2008 belt.  The fumble was recovered by DeMeco Ryans and returned for 41 yards resulting in a field goal for the Texans.

To sum it all up, it was a disgusting display.  We were out matched, out played, and mentally unprepared.  We looked like a freshmen college team out there and that’s just not going to cut it this league.  We have to find a way to right the ship at home against the Ravens because we have a run of tough inter-division games against the Titans, the Jaguars, and the Colts.  If we continue this kind of play we may find ourselves fighting for that number one draft spot again this season.  As much as I like a first overall pick, I’d much rather see a winning season.

Um…No!  No way no how!  Yes, I know Tatum Bell used to work under Kubiak when he coached for the Denver Broncos.  That only adds fuel to the rumor mill fire that Tatum Bell is the next Houston Texans runningback.  Get that cockamamie nonsense out of your head right now.

Yes, I also know that at one point the Texans were nothing more than a glue factory where old Broncos would go to finish out their careers.  This is not the case anymore.  I think we turned a corner when we didn't pick up Jake Plummer and opted for someone (Matt Schaub) with an actual future.  Kubiak and company have finally decided to look else where for their next free agent bust. 

Bust?  Yeah I said it.  Aside from the afore mentioned Schaub, look at the track record - Philip Buchanon, Rosevelt Colvin, Marcel Shipp, Samkon Gado, Jacques Reeves and Ahman Green.  What? You don’t think he’s a bust just yet?  1 year in to a 4 year deal they restructure his contract costing him millions not to mention we have yet to see him play a whole game in a Texans uniform.  He’s a bust, you know it, I know it, The Texans know it, and Green knows it.  Its just that no one is publicly admitting it yet.  We do NOT need to add Bell to that list. 

The rumor was that Tatum Bell grabbed some bags in Detroit and headed to Houston for a workout with his former coach.  Kubiak has disavowed any knowledge of said workout according to an article on houstontexas.com

When asked about Bell working out, head coach Gary Kubiak laughed it off saying

“You know, that’s news to me to be honest with you,” Kubiak joked. “I saw before I came over to practice on TV that we were working him out. So, I guess I need to go check with somebody.”

“I know Tatum. I had him in Denver, but other than that, I know nothing about a workout.”

So, forget the thought that the Texans will be signing another free agent bust in Tatum “Tater-Salad” Bell.  Besides, Tater is too busy hocking Rudi Johnson’s crap to come work out for the Texans.  I hear the Bengals are interested in Bell but they have to wait and see if Bell is charged and convicted before making him an offer.  Anything less than a felony and you don't make the Bengals squad.

I was really looking forward to seeing a good showing from the Texans Friday night against the Cowboys in the pre-season "Govener's Cup" game.  I watched up to the point where Williams got injured. Then due to a malfunction of my comcastic remote a channel change occurred and when I got back to the game it was live in the second quarter and I had missed almost all of the rewound first quarter. So what I did get to see of the game was a huge disappointment as was missing the first quarter.

No sacks for Super Mario Williams I’m sad to say.  Mario’s lack of production wasn’t really all his fault. Not having much pressure on the other side from first rounder Amobi Okoye allowed the Cowboys line to double Mario all night. Despite the double team Mario was still able to get in there and disrupt plays and force a turnover.

The real dismal part of the game was watching Tony Romo dissect our secondary like he was George Clooney on an episode of ER. It didn’t help any that Fred Bennett was tackling like he was playing a pick-up game with the boys back home.   Jacques Reeves? Did anyone really expect him to play well? He’s a former Cowboy. If anyone knows his weakness it’s the Cowboys. I expected him to get targeted, and targeted a lot. They did and now we know why Dallas cut him. Case closed. He is yet another free agent bust for the Texans.   Oh, and there is one more free agent bust to add to the list, and that’s Philip Buchanon. Reeves stinks of Buchanon all day.

Not having Dunta Robinson is killing us. Not only is he a shut down corner but he plays with passion and a sense of urgency. He’s a wild man all over the place looking to lay the wood to someone. We need that kind of guy in our secondary and we need it in a bad way right now.

Offense looked terrible at first but then Schaub seemed to find a little rhythm.  (Is that how you spell rhythm?  The more I look at it, the more it looks wrong...) Steve Slaton looked good with the first team, and to a lesser extent so did Chris Taylor.  Owen Daniels will be a top five tight end this year.  Take it to the fantasy draft bank people, you can get him cheap.  Andre Johnson, looked uncomfortable.  I think he had maybe four passes or so thrown towards him but had no catches.  He wasn't in there long.  That's okay, we KNOW he can play.  Really it's not worth the risk.

Highlights: Kevin Walter, Steve Slaton, and Andre Davis on returns. Did I mention Steve Slaton was a highlight? Chris Taylor didn’t look that bad either. Slaton finished with 10 carries for 44 yards and Taylor finished with 11 carries for 47 yards. Slaton showed us something else you don’t see in the numbers….patience. He waited for his blockers and on one play turned a no gainer into positive yardage. Nice work.

Lowlights: The D, particularly the secondary. I would have liked to see Matt Schaub hook up with Andre Johnson for at least one catch. Jacoby Jones’ ball handling is terrible. He needs to fix it before he finds himself sitting with that Dante Culpepper guy looking for a team.  I remember thinking to myself that he should be on the sidelines holding a ball and team mates should walk by him and try and knock it out.  That's whay I'd do if I were his coach.  Then Chron.com I saw an interview (which you can see here) where special teams coach Joe Marciano has made him do exactly that.  During the interview several players including DeMeco Ryans walked by and tried to knock the ball out.  Ryans was successful.    At least this shows me that the coaches don't really want to let this kid go.  He has talent he just needs to slow it down a bit and execute, and protect the friggin ball MAN!!!!

So I watched my first preseason Monday night football game last night.  When I was done, I had this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I felt dirty, violated, and angry like I had just been abused by a gang of seven foot tall ex-cons named Bubba.

Tony Kornheiser makes me sick.  Mike Tirico I can tolerate.  Jaws to me used to be the only redeeming quality but after last night and learning that he and Tony play golf together, F him too.  Forget it, scrap em all.  They suck more than a 2 dollar hooker on nickel BJ night.

Here's my two cents on the game.....

The Cleveland Browns looked terrible.  This confirms my assumption that the Browns were a one hit wonder.  Derek Anderson looked like David Carr in his final season here with the Texans.  Timid, indecisive, lacked confidence and very down on himself.  He had this blank look on his face and he kept his head down every time I saw him.  He would walk into the huddle with his head down like "Oh, woe is me."  He just didn't have that special something around him that gives me or anyone else the impression that he is a winner.  He didn't look like he could handle the pressure.  They aren't going to get it done with Derek Anderson this year and if he doesn't man up and show a little confidence the fans and media will be calling for Golden Boy Quinn by game six....watch.

Same ol Jamal different team.  That's all I'm gonna say about that.

As for the Giants.....While Eli was getting verbally blown by Tony Kornheiser I didn't buy into the hype Kornhole was selling.  He did make two TD passes to Hixon, give him credit for that.  This only set Tony off more and made him want to run out and buy a saddle to ride Eli's nuts with.  If you really looked at the passes they weren't as perfect as Tony would have you believe.  Eli put a little too much on those balls and was very close to over throwing them completely.  I think more credit should be given to the receiver for pulling them down and getting both feet inbounds.  Hey, that's just my two cents though.  Additionally, let's face it, the Browns defensive line doesn't exactly strike fear in the hearts of opposing QBs.

Jacobs is going to get hurt again this season.  Lock it up, take it to the bank.  The boy is big and he's a bruiser but he runs too tall and he's gonna get his head taken off one of these days.  WHO THE F IS THIS Danny Ware KID?  He looked like a total stud.  Or maybe it was just the Browns D making him look good.  I'll have to keep an eye on this kid.

The Giants D was impressive.  Pressure pressure pressure.  I'm surprised that they aren't ranked higher in fantasy lists.  There is all this Osi talk but this kid Justin Tuck is something else.  Where do the Giants grow these guys?  They grow pass rushers like the Denver Broncos grow 1000 yard runningbacks.  Again, maybe it was just the Browns doing their part?  Time will tell.

The real reason for this post is that I will not rest until the MNF crew is canned, sacked, fired, or otherwise terminated.  Tony Kornheiser's analysis of Eli Manning's progression after the superbowl win is that, and I quote "He looks taller and much more handsome."............  Yeah, I'm gonna give that a minute to soak in..."He looks taller and much more handsome."........

Did he just say that? WHAT THE HELL, TONY!?!  Um....Yeah, this is the coverage I tune in for.  (Said that with every once of sarcasm in my body)  Then later he asks Mike and Jaws what they think about the Browns new pants color like he's calling an episode of project runway or something.  As the Browns finally put a decent drive together and finally get the ball in the end zone we are graced with a long stupid golf story about how Tony had the best day of his life playing golf with Trump and "schmoozing" with not just Brett Favre but Brett Favre's entire family!  All this instead of calling the game.  I'm sure the Favre clan is happy you shared that little tidbit about thier future home purchase with the rest of the nation Tony.

Dude, seriously I can't be the only one on this planet that thinks that Tony and his lackeys are a total waste of good breathing air.  Does ESPN actually think they have found the next Al Michaels?  I mean does the MNF brain trust sit there after the game and go "Yeah, that was good.  The viewers are going to love this.  We are gettin' an Emmy nod for sure!" Jesus ESPN, get a clue.  It's too bad Nielsen can't tell you how many of your viewers actually mute their TVs.  Then maybe you'd get the point that the only reason we watch is for the football.

At least Tony didn't use the time to tell us all about his political views.  Maybe he is saving that for the regular season.  I don't know.  All I do know is that if I ever see him out in my streets, I'm gonna stick a fist in his piehole and shave his head.  Then I'll have the letters D. O. R. K. tattooed on his forehead.  "Comb that over, ya dweeb." Oh and get a new suit you bum, you look like you just stumbled out of a bar, one that's exclusively for men and plays the village people.  Hey, I'm just sayin......

Note to the Giants:  Nice show, I enjoyed it.  Your D looks great.  David Carr isn't going to get better, trust me.  Cut him like everyone else.  He's damaged goods.  You were better off with Dough Boy Lorenzen.

Note to the Browns: WoW, you got your work cut out for you.  Steptoe was a bright spot if it makes you feel any better.  I just can't for the life of me think of anything else positive to say.

Note to ESPN: Do yourselves and every other football loving person on this planet a favor and get a new crew.  It makes it very hard to watch without wanting to vomit.  Your slow motion cam is very cool.  Looks great on my TV.  Everything else including the crew sucked.

Note to self:  Utilize mute when watching MNF from here on out or else invest in some barf bags. 

We’ve all heard of the iPod, iPhone, iMac and iTunes.  Here are a few Apple iProducts that you may not know.  They will be hitting store shelves summer 2008.

iCan – Apple is breaking into the toilet market with the release of the new iCan.  It’s a stand alone toilet system with an automatic cleaning cycle.  It also has an automatic clog clearing system so you never have to worry about Uncle Billy Joe Jim Bob clogging the toilet ever again.  It has an innovative turd sensing system that automatically adjust the water to the appropriate level needed to purge your excrement with a single flush.  This new feature greatly reduces water waste and will help to lower your monthly water bill.  With plug ins for your iPod and iPhone you can chat, surf the web, make a call, and listen to your favorite tunes all while pinching a loaf.  Accessories: iPod, iPhone, iWipe

iWipe – An accessory for the iCan that takes the dirty work out of post poop duties.  A gentle splash of water hits your bottom and a soft biodegradable next-gen toilet paper made from 100% recycled paper, glass, and aluminum products will leave you with a clean feeling like you haven’t felt since birth.  A dab of rose scented baby powder is added for the final touch that will leave any future flatulence smelling like a dozen roses in baby’s breath.  All this is done in the time it takes you to roll regular toilet paper for the old wiping process.  The iWipe was designed for and is best used with the iCan however it can be retro-fitted to almost any toilet fixture in your home.

iSuck – Apple has decided to throw it’s hat into the Vacuum market with their newest product the iSuck.  It’s a portable, lightweight, cordless vacuum with adjustable suction.  It does everything for you.  You simply turn it on and it auto detects the dirt levels in your home and goes to work.  It also has iSpeakers and an iDock built in so that you can put your iPod in it and instead of the sound of a more traditional vacuum you will hear the sweet sounds of your favorite tunes while it makes your home sparkle.  It never loses suction and never needs to be emptied.  The contents that it vacuums up are recycled using the patented iMiniSupercollider which changes the molecular composition of your dirt into economical energy for the iSuck.  It never needs a battery!

iRabbit – Apple has branched out into the Adult toy market with it’s version of the world famous “Rabbit” for women.  In collaboration with the original “Rabbit” manufacturer Apple has been able to improve the product.  It is a fully featured “Rabbit” with an iPod port.  Using a digital sound vibration processor it analyzes the beats per minute of your favorite songs and adjusts the vibration to match the music.  That’s right ladies and gentlemen it’s “Good Vibrations” like the Beach Boys never imagined!  Don’t like the music? That’s okay.  You can hook your iRabbit to your iMac and download hundreds of voice clips from our iGuys database using iTunes.  This database has a wide variety of male voices from Brad Pitt and George Clooney to Borat and Boss Hogg.  What ever you are into we have a voice clip that is sure to enhance your experience with the iRabbit.  .99 cents per download, all voice clips are considered intellectual property and therefore protected using digital rights software.  Illegal reproduction is strictly forbidden.

 iRoadRage - A new aftermarket attachment for your car that hooks directly to your cars computer system.  Included is a loud speaker that attaches easily under your hood for high decible production.  This product saves you time and allows you tell other drivers exactly how you feel about thier driving without ever breaking your concentration on the road.  Using pre-recorded phrases you can cuss out other drivers with the press of a button.  Using voice overs from famous actors such as Al Pacino and Robert De Niro you can shout popular phrases like "HEY LADY, IT'S A CAR NOT A BEAUTY SALON!" and "HOW BOUT A SIGNAL YA D-BAG" and "HEY A-HOLE, HANG UP AND DRIVE WILL YA?!?" or "LEARN TO DRIVE YOU MORON!" and the ever popular "HEY F%*K STICK, BACK OFF BEFORE I SLAM ON MY BRAKES AND MAKE YOU EAT TAIL LIGHT!!!"  You can even download customizable phrases you've created using iTunes.  With this new product you are sure to be the envy of the roadway!